I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
