My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
