he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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