Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
