I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
