i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
