Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Found your dick twin last night
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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