Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I had to cum in my sink.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
