I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
