I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
