Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
