You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
