I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
