Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Randomize