Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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