Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
