Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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