I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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