glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
