This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize