Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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