I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Holy sore nipples Batman
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Bring me that man meat
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
