My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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