Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
