hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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