i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
