Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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