I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
