im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
