I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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