Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Well I just put wine in my tea
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
