I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
