omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
