i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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