you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
