He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
