Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
