Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Randomize
