I wish I could teleport
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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