Please don't use social media to get back at me.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
