I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
