remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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