I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize