The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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