True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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