Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
