then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
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