Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
