Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
