Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
