I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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