yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
