so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
